Haijing Chen

Written Diary
*each drawing can be paired with one diary and they are in the same order*

—————————————-

TRY TO DRAW A CIRCLE #1

20210708
It has been a while since the last time I drew with lines. These days I felt that I have to restart the whole drawing life. How could my drawing be like if there was no subject exist? In order to answer this question, I made a circle on the paper, trying my best to make it looked great. Then there were patterns being depicted and surrounding the circle. Now I realize that I enjoy the repetitive marks the most, but people will focus on the circle, because they are looking for a subject that I want to keep a distance from.

A PIECE OF MY CURLY HAIR

20210712
I didn’t sleep really well yesterday night and some pieces of my hair turned obviously curly this morning. I looked at the mirror and felt that this curly hair was like pubes growing on my head. Again, I tried to get rid of these pieces of hair, plucking them and putting them on the table repeatedly. I always know that the bad quality of my sleep is just an excuse. The more influential reason for the change of my hair is the lack of nutrition. I looked at the curly hair on the table which was piling up into a little hill and thought that my hair was so strict with being honest. I should have a better sleep tomorrow.

15:07-16:07

20210715
I was curious about how I may feel when I force myself to draw without being interrupted by any other behaviors- using my phone, standing up from my seat, or drinking water. The whole experiment was 1 hour long, from 15:07-16:0 7. I thought I might end up with stress, or feel regretful during the process. However, the truth was, I was so comfortable, calm and enjoyed this simple and repetitive behavior that I even fell asleep several times. After the experiment, there was the feeling that the whole real world was back, punching on my face. I had nowhere to escape.

MY URTICARIA

20210718
My Urticaria is my old friend, whom I have not seen for a while. We were really close when I was in junior high school. Every time my father knocked on my door and asked about school study, my skin started to get itchy. I could not help scratching myself- arms, legs, belly, bottom-almost everywhere that I could imagine. After that, my scratches resulted in a lot of marks on my skin, heating up that area and disappearing in twenty minutes. I used to play with it, scratching my skin in order and making them into a line work on my skin. Today she came and visited me surprisingly. We spent an hour together and fed on my anxiety.

HER ARM IN THE STAGE LIGHT

20210720
I went to a live house yesterday night and this girl impressed me heartily. She stood in front of me with her arms rising above her head. Her arms were puffy, pinky, and not shaved. The stage lights shedding on her arms looked like a halo, shining up the hair on her arm. I cried for that beauty.

GREAT HEAT

20210722
Ancient people in China named today “ 大 暑 (great heat)” in lunar calendar. It’s hot today, no surprise. But I can stay at home with my air conditioner on. Right now I am sitting inside this cool, comfortable little room, opening the window to let some warm air in so that the temperature inside will not be too low. Am I having some privilege over the ancient people?

MY ECZEMA

20210731
The first time I asked the doctor about an area of white itchy skin disease on my elbows was at the age of seven. They said it was a neural one and only happened when my school work was too heavy. I was confirmed that this eczema will magically be cured when I enter college. However, I am 24 this year and studying in a grad school, with my eczema on my elbows. Maybe I am still not old enough to overcome the burden and cure myself.

THE ADVERTISEMENT TEACHES ME HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MY SKIN

20210805
I went to SKP Mall for clothes today. The first floor was filled up with the brand of make-up and skincare. The huge faces in their advertisement were intriguing, impressive, and scary. Their faces were smooth, young, and bright. They were saying that I was different from them, my appearance was not perfect enough, I should spend some money and take steps to change my skin’s quality... I calculated the distance between my skins and theirs, and bought their products at the very end.

I NEED MY CAT BUT SHE DOESN’T NEED ME

20210808
I name my cat Milky. I feed her, bathe her, kiss her. I buy insurance for her, choose the best can for her, clean up the room daily for her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.

MY SPLIT SKIN

20210819
I cut my finger yesterday, and the blood was everywhere in the water tank of my kitchen. Though my skin was fall of marks and I did not really care about adding one more, this one seemed useful. I captured a picture of it and shared it in the Wechat moments. But after I cleaned up my wound and had a check on my post again, I deleted it, feeling ashamed for having posted such things. It was not an appropriate post that people want to see in their online friend circle.

TRIangle

20210821
Three lines can equal a triangle which is the most stable structure compared to all the other shapes. Three people in my family, we seemed inseparable.

SHOULD I APOLOGIZE FOR NEVER WORRYING ABOUT MONEY

20210824
Should I apologize for never worrying about money? I have never asked for the fortune I was born with. I tried to ignore the truth that my parents have cleaned up the barriers ahead of me. I don’t want to take any support from them for granted, while I also need their money as a backup. I am jealous of the people who have no choice but to make a living by themselves. Perhaps I should apologize for making art, which has nothing to do with earning money.

WHERE IS MY PERIOD

20210905
My period has stopped from visiting me since last year. Besides, she has left me two times before, and each time lasted for one year. I was a little worried about her disappearance- just a little- for the reason that my mother kept persuading me to see a doctor. I did see the doctor, who told me that I was too skinny, my heartbeat was too slow, and gave me a long prescription. The whole points he mentioned, I have already known far before I lost my period. To be honest, it’s easy to gain weight, but it’s hard to keep up if the motivation is pleasing the doctor or my mother.

TWO HIDDEN LINES

20210924
I drew two lines on the paper, looking at them for a minute. I remembered when I went to Centre Georges Pompidou when I was ten years old when I first encountered contemporary artwork. It was two lines drawn on a white piece of paper, hanging on the wall with a nice frame. As a child, it was hilarious to see such things being regarded as art. Now I am doing the same thing, and worrying about being misconceived by people- just like the artist who did the two lines being ridiculed by a group of children. So I hid the lines with lines.

0 DEGREE, THE SKIN ON MY HAND IS CRACKING

20211015
It’s cold. The wind is blowing, whirling up the withered leaves. I ordered the hand cream yesterday, and it is still in transit. I can feel that my hand is dry and dehydrated by this winter. I tried to ignore the new cracks on my skin and stop relying on skin treatment. But those wounds hurt and are distracting. It seems that I can never be independent in skincare. And I’m not sure which one has defeated me, the weather or the chemical products.

I LOOK AT THEM CAREFULLY AND THINK THEY ARE GREAT

20211023
Skin diseases can have different types, different colors, different causes and different effects. I can confidently say, only my doctor and myself have the curiosity to look at them carefully, wondering why and how they are growing on my body. No matter how they are growing on my body. No matter how they looked, originally, they were my healthy skin. Each piece has its own character. I am learning to accept their honesty, and praising them “you look great” every day.

TRY TO DRAW A CIRCLE #2

20211030
After the enjoyable and comfortable experience of drawing a circle, I’d like to have one more- a larger one, a more noticeable subject. I need reflection from people, to be honest, to make sure whether I am hiding myself behind the subject, or I am taking advantage of the subject, to grab people’s eyes to see my lines.